My thoughts on the anniversary of 9/11

“Can I see another’s Woe, and not be in sorrow, Too? Can I see another’s grief, and not seek for kind relief?”  ~William Blake

The 10^th anniversary of September 11^th has come and gone.  I remember the details of that day so vividly.  Just as on the day I lost my son.  In hearing the families, friends, and responders speak of that day and of their losses, my heart breaks for them one and all.  I know the shock, the horror, the trauma that we all share.  No, my son didn’t die in the same way, but he died just as unexpectedly as they did.  Vice President Biden spoke yesterday at the Pentagon memorial service.  His words were poignant and true.  Biden said he could relate to the pain of family members of victims. “I know what it’s like to receive that call out of the blue that the dearest thing in your life is gone.”  He went on to talk about the pain and the despair he knew they all felt and that he knew it would always come back sharply to them. 

What came to me then, as has come to me so often since Michael’s death, was that I understand.  Vice President Biden, anyone who has ever loved someone as much as you can love a spouse or a child or a sibling, and I share the common thread of debilitating grief.  In that knowledge, the despair of others crushes you because their pain brings back your own.  And in those moments you are so fragile and hurt and raw.  I am embarrassed to say that I have been a complete mess yesterday and today.  I get so aggravated with myself for not pulling myself up “by my bootstraps” and sucking it up.  Then someone that loves me will say, “no one expects you to.”  I must keep being gentle with myself.  

I wish that no one ever had to feel the pain of losing a close loved one.  I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  Truly!  And no one can ever fully understand until they too experience a similar loss.  When I talked about people becoming “more” this is part of what I meant.  I now have the capability or at least the possibility of looking past people’s mistakes/rudeness/nastiness/ circumstances to see the person beneath.  We must understand that we’ve no idea what a person we encounter has lived or survived or is currently going through; To forgive that person for their slight and to let it go.  This is what God expects from us.  (Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:31-32).)   I am not saying it is easy.  Should it be?  You’ve heard the quote, “Nothing worth anything is easy”.  But, we can try.  I pray that God gives me the strength and humility to learn this lesson and to pass it on to others.

God Bless the families of the 9/11 victims.  May God bring them comfort as only HE can.    

THE LITTLE THINGS

Michael loved peas.  The first time I cooked peas after his passing, I broke down into tears.  I prepared the rest of the meal sobbing.  A few weeks ago, I found a tiny screw from a laptop and was sad for the rest of the day.  Michael had taken his old laptop apart.  He loved breaking things down and seeing how they worked.  Then two weeks ago, I was with close friends at the home store on base and broke into tears.  My friends gasped, "what's wrong?"  I had been wanting to buy Michael a new bedroom set for about two years.  There was the set that I would've loved to have given him. 

When you are grieving it is so difficult to accept that it's okay to be sad.  Especially after a few months have passed.  But time is different for the ones who have experienced the loss.  It slows down and passes us by at the same time.  It's been almost 8 months since Michael has passed, but in some moments it still feels like a few weeks ago.  The memories are still fresh, the pain still very raw.  I used to hate this part of me that can break down at the smallest thing.  When I'm with friends it makes me feel silly and mostly embarrassed. 

I am learning to accept these moments.  They are the part of the memories and emotions that keep Michael and I's strong bond held firm until it is time for us to be together again.  They are difficult and hurtful but the pain is the testament to how great our love for each other was.  I thank the Lord for the bond that was created between me and my precious child.  Therefore, in a way, I must thank him for the pain that comes with being separated as well.  I think of the quote, "I thank God for every rememberance of you" and I hold those memories close to my heart as a way to hold Michael close to me.  I am so glad that the Lord made my brain so intricate that I can recall special things about Michael with the smallest prompting.  I know one day these little memories will not be so emotional for me and will maybe just bring a smile to my face or feel like a hug from beyond.  I look forward to that.