Michael loved peas. The first time I cooked peas after his passing, I broke down into tears. I prepared the rest of the meal sobbing. A few weeks ago, I found a tiny screw from a laptop and was sad for the rest of the day. Michael had taken his old laptop apart. He loved breaking things down and seeing how they worked. Then two weeks ago, I was with close friends at the home store on base and broke into tears. My friends gasped, "what's wrong?" I had been wanting to buy Michael a new bedroom set for about two years. There was the set that I would've loved to have given him.
When you are grieving it is so difficult to accept that it's okay to be sad. Especially after a few months have passed. But time is different for the ones who have experienced the loss. It slows down and passes us by at the same time. It's been almost 8 months since Michael has passed, but in some moments it still feels like a few weeks ago. The memories are still fresh, the pain still very raw. I used to hate this part of me that can break down at the smallest thing. When I'm with friends it makes me feel silly and mostly embarrassed.
I am learning to accept these moments. They are the part of the memories and emotions that keep Michael and I's strong bond held firm until it is time for us to be together again. They are difficult and hurtful but the pain is the testament to how great our love for each other was. I thank the Lord for the bond that was created between me and my precious child. Therefore, in a way, I must thank him for the pain that comes with being separated as well. I think of the quote, "I thank God for every rememberance of you" and I hold those memories close to my heart as a way to hold Michael close to me. I am so glad that the Lord made my brain so intricate that I can recall special things about Michael with the smallest prompting. I know one day these little memories will not be so emotional for me and will maybe just bring a smile to my face or feel like a hug from beyond. I look forward to that.
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