Peace and Understanding

I have been thinking about strength and grace a lot lately.  I woke up this morning and thanked God for the day he has given me to be closer to Him. I thanked Him for taking my burdens from me in the middle of the night.  I was thinking of my Michael and how much I missed him.  I have also been worrying about our future with my husband retiring from the military.  I have been apoligizing a lot to God lately for being weak.  I ask him to fill me with his strength.  I started thinking about 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."  

I asked God to give me the words to be able to share what I have come to understand.  Without Loss, humans cannot come to understand fully how great God's love is for us.  I would never wish a great loss on anyone.  But Life itself brings loss.  A loss of a friendship, a loss of a job, a loss of a relationship.  It is our path to walk through loss and come out the other side of it with new understanding.  The pain of losing my beloved son is in me every day of my life and will continue to be until I leave this earth.  There is no way around that, it is my pain to bear because of my great bond with my son.  But because of the tragedy, I understand what God means by "My power is made perfect in weakness".  

There is no other person, friend, psychologist, pastor, family member that can give me the comfort that God can.  He tells us in the bible "What I am doing—you do not understand now; but afterward you will understand." John 13:7  Of course my human brain cannot understand God's plan.  It is too grand for us to entertain.  God made the Heavens and the Earth, how are we to fathom how?

Because I was at my weakest point, and continue to suffer, my eyes were opened to God's grace.  I was open to asking Him to help me.  Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Because of this great tragedy in my life I have learned that I must put God first in my life.  I've always "known" that.  I started attending church when I was 3 days old.  But never, until the most precious thing in my life was taken from me, did I fully understand that God has a plan.  My beautiful son is in His hands.  I know that Michael is in a better place.  Through things that are too personal for me to share with anyone, I know that God is taking care of him and of me.  His love for us is so great that he promises us eternal life with no pain, no suffering, no tears.  All we have to do is put HIM first. 

Is that easy?  No.  Will I waiver?  Probably.  I am human.  I will keep moving forward and continue to ask God to work through me and help me grow in faith.  And one day, my lifetime away, I will understand.  But for now, I am grateful to REALLY know that God loves me, his Grace and my Faith will save me, and that God can handle anything.  Praise God in the Highest!