I know that friends and acquaintances worry that they don't know the words to say to me. The words don't matter. A warm hug, a smile, or just a hello is all that is necessary. I am living proof that family and friendship is what gets you through. My friends understanding that I am sad a lot helps me immensely. They know how to get me out of my shell. They also know how to listen and just let me talk and/or cry if I need to. I'll NEVER forget those moments when they sat and listened and nodded a lot and cried with me. They say that grieving parents never recover the loss of a child. That they will grieve for the rest of their lives. I try not to think of that now. I don't do very well if I think about the future, so I just try to stay in today. And today, I miss my son desperately.
I have been attending counseling for my grief and reading a lot on the Internet as well as books. I came across a well written article that talks about "parental grief". http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html
Here is an excerpt: "It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation" (Arnold and Gemma 1994, 40).
As part of the grieving process, bereaved parents experience ups and downs and a literal roller coaster of emotions. For these parents, a personal history includes a past with the child and a present and future without the child. For most grieving parents, it is vitally important to verbalize the pain, to talk about what happened, to ask questions, and puzzle aloud, sometimes over and over.
It is the nature of grief that feelings, thoughts, and emotions need to be processed and that those in grief must look into their hearts and souls and try to heal from within. Each does this in his/her own way. "Grieving parents are survivors" (Rando 1986, 176), and each survivor travels this lonely and painful road in a way each maps out. In traveling this road, parents often respond differently, learn to live with their grief separately, and express their sadness uniquely. Grieving parents can and often do feel alone, disconnected, and alienated. They need to know that there are many ways to grieve; there is no timetable for grief's duration; there are no rules, boundaries, or protocols for grieving.
Moreover, those who seek to comfort grieving parents need to recognize and understand the complexities of the parents' emotions and should avoid relying on preconceived ideas about the way a couple is supposed to grieve if their child dies. Reactions of grieving parents may seem overly intense, self-absorbing, contradictory, or even puzzling. For bereaved parents, the death of a child is such an overwhelming event that their responses may often be baffling not only to others but to themselves as well."
"I sometimes hold it half a sin to put into words the grief I feel; For words, like nature, half reveal and half conceal the Soul within." --Alfred Tennyson It is very difficult for me to share the pain inside. Those around me quickly find out that I am grieving. It is almost all encompassing for me. I come out of my grief for short periods of time and my mind allows me to forget for precious moments. But afterwards, when I am alone again, it washes back over me like dark clouds on a sunny day. The pain knots in my chest and my brain won't stop thinking about why it happened, or what we could have done differently, or how much I miss him, or that he's never going to be with us again. What does help is sharing. Many counselors, psychologists and parents who have grieved say that parents who have lost a child need to talk about what happened. Over and over again if necessary. They are still the parents of the lost child for the rest of their lives. We need to hear his name and share his stories. I thank God for my family and friends who have helped me through each day since Michael passed. They are so special and precious to me. I only hope that I can be as good to them as they have been to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment