My thoughts on the anniversary of 9/11

“Can I see another’s Woe, and not be in sorrow, Too? Can I see another’s grief, and not seek for kind relief?”  ~William Blake

The 10^th anniversary of September 11^th has come and gone.  I remember the details of that day so vividly.  Just as on the day I lost my son.  In hearing the families, friends, and responders speak of that day and of their losses, my heart breaks for them one and all.  I know the shock, the horror, the trauma that we all share.  No, my son didn’t die in the same way, but he died just as unexpectedly as they did.  Vice President Biden spoke yesterday at the Pentagon memorial service.  His words were poignant and true.  Biden said he could relate to the pain of family members of victims. “I know what it’s like to receive that call out of the blue that the dearest thing in your life is gone.”  He went on to talk about the pain and the despair he knew they all felt and that he knew it would always come back sharply to them. 

What came to me then, as has come to me so often since Michael’s death, was that I understand.  Vice President Biden, anyone who has ever loved someone as much as you can love a spouse or a child or a sibling, and I share the common thread of debilitating grief.  In that knowledge, the despair of others crushes you because their pain brings back your own.  And in those moments you are so fragile and hurt and raw.  I am embarrassed to say that I have been a complete mess yesterday and today.  I get so aggravated with myself for not pulling myself up “by my bootstraps” and sucking it up.  Then someone that loves me will say, “no one expects you to.”  I must keep being gentle with myself.  

I wish that no one ever had to feel the pain of losing a close loved one.  I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  Truly!  And no one can ever fully understand until they too experience a similar loss.  When I talked about people becoming “more” this is part of what I meant.  I now have the capability or at least the possibility of looking past people’s mistakes/rudeness/nastiness/ circumstances to see the person beneath.  We must understand that we’ve no idea what a person we encounter has lived or survived or is currently going through; To forgive that person for their slight and to let it go.  This is what God expects from us.  (Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:31-32).)   I am not saying it is easy.  Should it be?  You’ve heard the quote, “Nothing worth anything is easy”.  But, we can try.  I pray that God gives me the strength and humility to learn this lesson and to pass it on to others.

God Bless the families of the 9/11 victims.  May God bring them comfort as only HE can.    

Expressions of Love and Caring

I know that friends and acquaintances worry that they don't know the words to say to me.  The words don't matter.  A warm hug, a smile, or just a hello is all that is necessary.  I am living proof that family and friendship is what gets you through.  My friends understanding that I am sad a lot helps me immensely.  They know how to get me out of my shell.  They also know how to listen and just let me talk and/or cry if I need to.  I'll NEVER forget those moments when they sat and listened and nodded a lot and cried with me.  They say that grieving parents never recover the loss of a child.  That they will grieve for the rest of their lives.  I try not to think of that now.  I don't do very well if I think about the future, so I just try to stay in today.  And today, I miss my son desperately.

I have been attending counseling for my grief and reading a lot on the Internet as well as books.  I came across a well written article that talks about "parental grief".  http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html 
Here is an excerpt:  "It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation" (Arnold and Gemma 1994, 40).
As part of the grieving process, bereaved parents experience ups and downs and a literal roller coaster of emotions. For these parents, a personal history includes a past with the child and a present and future without the child. For most grieving parents, it is vitally important to verbalize the pain, to talk about what happened, to ask questions, and puzzle aloud, sometimes over and over.
It is the nature of grief that feelings, thoughts, and emotions need to be processed and that those in grief must look into their hearts and souls and try to heal from within. Each does this in his/her own way. "Grieving parents are survivors" (Rando 1986, 176), and each survivor travels this lonely and painful road in a way each maps out. In traveling this road, parents often respond differently, learn to live with their grief separately, and express their sadness uniquely. Grieving parents can and often do feel alone, disconnected, and alienated. They need to know that there are many ways to grieve; there is no timetable for grief's duration; there are no rules, boundaries, or protocols for grieving.
Moreover, those who seek to comfort grieving parents need to recognize and understand the complexities of the parents' emotions and should avoid relying on preconceived ideas about the way a couple is supposed to grieve if their child dies. Reactions of grieving parents may seem overly intense, self-absorbing, contradictory, or even puzzling. For bereaved parents, the death of a child is such an overwhelming event that their responses may often be baffling not only to others but to themselves as well."

"I sometimes hold it half a sin to put into words the grief I feel; For words, like nature, half reveal and half conceal the Soul within."  --Alfred Tennyson   It is very difficult for me to share the pain inside.  Those around me quickly find out that I am grieving.  It is almost all encompassing for me.  I come out of my grief for short periods of time and my mind allows me to forget for precious moments.  But afterwards, when I am alone again, it washes back over me like dark clouds on a sunny day.  The pain knots in my chest and my brain won't stop thinking about why it happened, or what we could have done differently, or how much I miss him, or that he's never going to be with us again.  What does help is sharing.  Many counselors, psychologists and parents who have grieved say that parents who have lost a child need to talk about what happened.  Over and over again if necessary.  They are still the parents of the lost child for the rest of their lives.  We need to hear his name and share his stories.  I thank God for my family and friends who have helped me through each day since Michael passed.  They are so special and precious to me.  I only hope that I can be as good to them as they have been to me.