Peace and Understanding

I have been thinking about strength and grace a lot lately.  I woke up this morning and thanked God for the day he has given me to be closer to Him. I thanked Him for taking my burdens from me in the middle of the night.  I was thinking of my Michael and how much I missed him.  I have also been worrying about our future with my husband retiring from the military.  I have been apoligizing a lot to God lately for being weak.  I ask him to fill me with his strength.  I started thinking about 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."  

I asked God to give me the words to be able to share what I have come to understand.  Without Loss, humans cannot come to understand fully how great God's love is for us.  I would never wish a great loss on anyone.  But Life itself brings loss.  A loss of a friendship, a loss of a job, a loss of a relationship.  It is our path to walk through loss and come out the other side of it with new understanding.  The pain of losing my beloved son is in me every day of my life and will continue to be until I leave this earth.  There is no way around that, it is my pain to bear because of my great bond with my son.  But because of the tragedy, I understand what God means by "My power is made perfect in weakness".  

There is no other person, friend, psychologist, pastor, family member that can give me the comfort that God can.  He tells us in the bible "What I am doing—you do not understand now; but afterward you will understand." John 13:7  Of course my human brain cannot understand God's plan.  It is too grand for us to entertain.  God made the Heavens and the Earth, how are we to fathom how?

Because I was at my weakest point, and continue to suffer, my eyes were opened to God's grace.  I was open to asking Him to help me.  Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Because of this great tragedy in my life I have learned that I must put God first in my life.  I've always "known" that.  I started attending church when I was 3 days old.  But never, until the most precious thing in my life was taken from me, did I fully understand that God has a plan.  My beautiful son is in His hands.  I know that Michael is in a better place.  Through things that are too personal for me to share with anyone, I know that God is taking care of him and of me.  His love for us is so great that he promises us eternal life with no pain, no suffering, no tears.  All we have to do is put HIM first. 

Is that easy?  No.  Will I waiver?  Probably.  I am human.  I will keep moving forward and continue to ask God to work through me and help me grow in faith.  And one day, my lifetime away, I will understand.  But for now, I am grateful to REALLY know that God loves me, his Grace and my Faith will save me, and that God can handle anything.  Praise God in the Highest!

Circle of Life

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. ~Albert Einstein
I witnessed a miracle.  She was born on January 22nd.  My good friend, Amanda's baby, Madison Nicole.  What a happy day it was.  What a beautiful, precious, amazing little sprite!  It wasn't until January 25th that I realized that she was born on the day (1 year later) that I laid my own precious son to rest.  Part of the miracle was that I forgot what day it was.  I was too excited to meet Madison!  I was driving in my car and thinking of my son and connecting what day it was...and sadness washed over me.  Then I thought of Madison.  Immediately I thought of God working in my life and knew that he gave the world Madison on that day for precisely the reason that I needed.  Joy on one of the worst days of my life.  Praise God! 
May all the blessing of our Lord touch your life today.
May He send His little angels to protect you on your way.Such a wee little fit, sent from above.Someone so precious to cherish and love.May sunshine and moonbeams dance over you head.As you quietly slumber in your bed.May good luck be with you wherever you go.And your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow.
~Irish Baby Blessing

Being Thankful

On my first Thanksgiving without my son, Michael, I pause to consider what I am thankful for.  It is very difficult.  Before Michael passed, if you asked me that question, it would have been easy.  I was thankful for being a Mom to my two sons, a Wife to my beloved husband, a home owner, and thankful for my faith, my family and friends, and my husbands military career.  It's an easy response, but one that I felt so very strongly.  I appreciated my world so very, very much.  I would tell people that I was happy and that I had accomplished everything that I had set out to do. 

Now, it is not as easy.  To start with, the thoughts don't come as easily because they are so shrouded in pain.  It is so very difficult to look back and so very painful to look forward.  I live in the NOW as much as I can.  As I write this, I will tell you my thoughts that come out.  I am thankful that Michael was my son.  I am thankful that God gave me 20 years with my precious child.  I am thankful that the Lord has made my memories of our time together so vivid in my mind.  I am thankful that I am here to write this.  I am thankful that Brian, Bryan and I are doing fairly well mentally and physically.  I am thankful that God has been with me this year.  I am thankful that my faith continues to be strong.  I am thankful for each magical thing that happens that strengthens my faith.  I am thankful for my friends here in Japan; I wouldn't have done as well without their love, their compassion and their spirit.  I am thankful that my husband is retiring and completed his degree.  I am thankful that my husband is home and doesn't have to go back out to sea ever again.  I am thankful that Bryan has his friends here in Japan that have helped him weather the storm of this year.  I am thankful for my family back home that keeps thinking of us, praying for us, and waiting on us to return.  I am thankful for each beautiful day that I wake and walk and see, feel, and touch God's miracle that is this world that we live in.  I am thankful that he gives me the opportunity to walk in faith, live a life of service, and have the chance to live in eternity with him.  I am thankful that I know that God is taking care of Michael, just as he takes care of us all.

There are always going to be reasons to be sad, to lose understanding, to be mortified by the cruel things put in our paths.  After this year, I know that no matter what happens, God is with me.  He is my strength and my salvation.  I look to him for guidance and strength.  I am Thankful.

My thoughts on the anniversary of 9/11

“Can I see another’s Woe, and not be in sorrow, Too? Can I see another’s grief, and not seek for kind relief?”  ~William Blake

The 10^th anniversary of September 11^th has come and gone.  I remember the details of that day so vividly.  Just as on the day I lost my son.  In hearing the families, friends, and responders speak of that day and of their losses, my heart breaks for them one and all.  I know the shock, the horror, the trauma that we all share.  No, my son didn’t die in the same way, but he died just as unexpectedly as they did.  Vice President Biden spoke yesterday at the Pentagon memorial service.  His words were poignant and true.  Biden said he could relate to the pain of family members of victims. “I know what it’s like to receive that call out of the blue that the dearest thing in your life is gone.”  He went on to talk about the pain and the despair he knew they all felt and that he knew it would always come back sharply to them. 

What came to me then, as has come to me so often since Michael’s death, was that I understand.  Vice President Biden, anyone who has ever loved someone as much as you can love a spouse or a child or a sibling, and I share the common thread of debilitating grief.  In that knowledge, the despair of others crushes you because their pain brings back your own.  And in those moments you are so fragile and hurt and raw.  I am embarrassed to say that I have been a complete mess yesterday and today.  I get so aggravated with myself for not pulling myself up “by my bootstraps” and sucking it up.  Then someone that loves me will say, “no one expects you to.”  I must keep being gentle with myself.  

I wish that no one ever had to feel the pain of losing a close loved one.  I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  Truly!  And no one can ever fully understand until they too experience a similar loss.  When I talked about people becoming “more” this is part of what I meant.  I now have the capability or at least the possibility of looking past people’s mistakes/rudeness/nastiness/ circumstances to see the person beneath.  We must understand that we’ve no idea what a person we encounter has lived or survived or is currently going through; To forgive that person for their slight and to let it go.  This is what God expects from us.  (Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:31-32).)   I am not saying it is easy.  Should it be?  You’ve heard the quote, “Nothing worth anything is easy”.  But, we can try.  I pray that God gives me the strength and humility to learn this lesson and to pass it on to others.

God Bless the families of the 9/11 victims.  May God bring them comfort as only HE can.    

Expressions of Love and Caring

I know that friends and acquaintances worry that they don't know the words to say to me.  The words don't matter.  A warm hug, a smile, or just a hello is all that is necessary.  I am living proof that family and friendship is what gets you through.  My friends understanding that I am sad a lot helps me immensely.  They know how to get me out of my shell.  They also know how to listen and just let me talk and/or cry if I need to.  I'll NEVER forget those moments when they sat and listened and nodded a lot and cried with me.  They say that grieving parents never recover the loss of a child.  That they will grieve for the rest of their lives.  I try not to think of that now.  I don't do very well if I think about the future, so I just try to stay in today.  And today, I miss my son desperately.

I have been attending counseling for my grief and reading a lot on the Internet as well as books.  I came across a well written article that talks about "parental grief".  http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html 
Here is an excerpt:  "It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation" (Arnold and Gemma 1994, 40).
As part of the grieving process, bereaved parents experience ups and downs and a literal roller coaster of emotions. For these parents, a personal history includes a past with the child and a present and future without the child. For most grieving parents, it is vitally important to verbalize the pain, to talk about what happened, to ask questions, and puzzle aloud, sometimes over and over.
It is the nature of grief that feelings, thoughts, and emotions need to be processed and that those in grief must look into their hearts and souls and try to heal from within. Each does this in his/her own way. "Grieving parents are survivors" (Rando 1986, 176), and each survivor travels this lonely and painful road in a way each maps out. In traveling this road, parents often respond differently, learn to live with their grief separately, and express their sadness uniquely. Grieving parents can and often do feel alone, disconnected, and alienated. They need to know that there are many ways to grieve; there is no timetable for grief's duration; there are no rules, boundaries, or protocols for grieving.
Moreover, those who seek to comfort grieving parents need to recognize and understand the complexities of the parents' emotions and should avoid relying on preconceived ideas about the way a couple is supposed to grieve if their child dies. Reactions of grieving parents may seem overly intense, self-absorbing, contradictory, or even puzzling. For bereaved parents, the death of a child is such an overwhelming event that their responses may often be baffling not only to others but to themselves as well."

"I sometimes hold it half a sin to put into words the grief I feel; For words, like nature, half reveal and half conceal the Soul within."  --Alfred Tennyson   It is very difficult for me to share the pain inside.  Those around me quickly find out that I am grieving.  It is almost all encompassing for me.  I come out of my grief for short periods of time and my mind allows me to forget for precious moments.  But afterwards, when I am alone again, it washes back over me like dark clouds on a sunny day.  The pain knots in my chest and my brain won't stop thinking about why it happened, or what we could have done differently, or how much I miss him, or that he's never going to be with us again.  What does help is sharing.  Many counselors, psychologists and parents who have grieved say that parents who have lost a child need to talk about what happened.  Over and over again if necessary.  They are still the parents of the lost child for the rest of their lives.  We need to hear his name and share his stories.  I thank God for my family and friends who have helped me through each day since Michael passed.  They are so special and precious to me.  I only hope that I can be as good to them as they have been to me.

THE LITTLE THINGS

Michael loved peas.  The first time I cooked peas after his passing, I broke down into tears.  I prepared the rest of the meal sobbing.  A few weeks ago, I found a tiny screw from a laptop and was sad for the rest of the day.  Michael had taken his old laptop apart.  He loved breaking things down and seeing how they worked.  Then two weeks ago, I was with close friends at the home store on base and broke into tears.  My friends gasped, "what's wrong?"  I had been wanting to buy Michael a new bedroom set for about two years.  There was the set that I would've loved to have given him. 

When you are grieving it is so difficult to accept that it's okay to be sad.  Especially after a few months have passed.  But time is different for the ones who have experienced the loss.  It slows down and passes us by at the same time.  It's been almost 8 months since Michael has passed, but in some moments it still feels like a few weeks ago.  The memories are still fresh, the pain still very raw.  I used to hate this part of me that can break down at the smallest thing.  When I'm with friends it makes me feel silly and mostly embarrassed. 

I am learning to accept these moments.  They are the part of the memories and emotions that keep Michael and I's strong bond held firm until it is time for us to be together again.  They are difficult and hurtful but the pain is the testament to how great our love for each other was.  I thank the Lord for the bond that was created between me and my precious child.  Therefore, in a way, I must thank him for the pain that comes with being separated as well.  I think of the quote, "I thank God for every rememberance of you" and I hold those memories close to my heart as a way to hold Michael close to me.  I am so glad that the Lord made my brain so intricate that I can recall special things about Michael with the smallest prompting.  I know one day these little memories will not be so emotional for me and will maybe just bring a smile to my face or feel like a hug from beyond.  I look forward to that.

DESCONECTARSE

In January of this year I lost my 20 year old son, Michael, to SUDEP.  I will explain SUDEP and Epilepsy on a subsequent post.  The shock of losing my son suddenly and unexpectedly has changed our lives drastically.  There is the material and emotional change of having one less person in our home and all that comes with that.  But there are also almost imperceptible changes to our inner selves that we are still exploring and will continue to discover for years to come.

"There is no way out, only a way forward." --Michael Hollings.  One of the things that you learn when you have experienced severe grief is that you can't escape it.  You just have to keep breathing, keep living, keep praying, keep believing that one day you will come to the other side of the grief.  I am still in my grief.  I can stand still or I can go forward.  Those are the choices that I have.  I choose to gently keep going forward.  And that brings me to Desconectarse.  

Desconectarse is a form of a spanish verb for “disconnect”.  The Spanish use it to express “stepping away from what inhibits you so that you can be who you should be”.  I have been told by others experiencing the loss of a long time loved one that you change and become a new person or just MORE.  I don't know who the new ME is going to be.  I don't know how she will feel, or look, or live.  The world is almost as NEW to me as it is still the same.  I hope that through writing my feelings and sharing my experiences that I can come to know and understand this new me and "become who I should be".

As I share my recovery from the loss of my beloved child, the survival of my childhood, divorce, and other losses that have affected my life; I hope that I can pass on the lessons that I have learned, the positives that have emerged, the joys that I have found and my solid foundation of faith and hope.